First, tempt a boy cow into your garden. It has to be a boy. Girl cows taste milky.
It’s probably best to put on some false eyelashes and MOO softly. Boy cows like that.
Feed it grass. Please note: if you only have a back yard, a punnet of cress makes a useful alternative. While it’s ruminating, crack it over the head with a big hammer. It’ll drop like a stone.
Now’s the best time to cut a big chunk from its arse. Apply Savlon Wound Wash and a big plaster. When it comes to, point to a strategically placed vodka bottle and roll your eyes. (See Gromit for eye-rolling techniques) It’ll slink off thinking it had a good night.
Put the arse in the oven. Take it out when it’s cooked.