The school year is lurching to a close. There’ll be Sports Days to police (sometimes literally), Leavers’ Assemblies to sob through and reports to write. Thanks to successive government policies of EMPHASISING THE POSITIVE, teachers have become experts at euphemism. I thought I’d share a few of my favourite bits of report-speak to help you decode your child’s school report and possibly save yourself the fiver you were going to hand over.
- Galileo is a sensitive child who is easily upset by change. Galileo is a big soft lump
- Beowulf demands a lot of adult attention. Beowulf is naughty and disruptive and needs a slapped leg.
- Evadne sometimes finds it hard to remember to share. Evadne is so spoiled she wouldn’t share spit.
- Xavier doesn’t always consider other children’s feelings. Xavier thumps other children.
- Ariadne isn’t always caring towards other children. See Xavier.
- Ludovic needs to remember to listen. Ludovic is the class gobshite.
- Gretchen is a lively, chatty child. Please God, just let Gretchen shut her gob for 5 minutes.
- Colin and Colinna have difficulty accepting established boundaries. If ever 2 kids were destined for jail it’s Colin and Colinna.
- Clarabelle is a quiet, polite little girl. To be honest, I never have time to speak to Clarabelle, what with having Xavier in the class, but she seems nice enough.
- Charlemagne has been a pleasure to teach. Charlemagne’s parents have never complained about me and he’s tipped me the wink that I’m getting a decent thank-you present.
There. Hope that helps.